he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize