Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
This girl is more easily done than said...
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Randomize
