I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
