Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
