you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
