I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Is it penis luge time yet?
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Dicks are not precious.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
