I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
