Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
