from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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