i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
