It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
