Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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