So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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