What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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