Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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