There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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