I can feel you judging me through the phone.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
try to milk me bitch
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
