Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Four minutes until I can fart!
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
