i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
