i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
