So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Randomize