I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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