then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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