I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
