there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I would ride that face into the sunset
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
