If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
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