It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
