Everything about him screamed your future.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
