New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
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Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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