I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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