I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
