I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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