george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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