im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Randomize