i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Randomize
