I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
