he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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