rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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