Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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