All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
