What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
