She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
