If that was your dad, he is hot
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
