i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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