I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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