Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
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