i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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