i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
