Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
this boner is exhausting
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
