Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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