and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize