i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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