We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Randomize
