Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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