Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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