laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
