if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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