I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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