My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
