Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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