Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
We named our party play list daddy issues
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
