oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
