On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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