just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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