Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
