He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I need to align my fucking chakras
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