just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Randomize
