Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Randomize
